SMELL HER OUT

There is no excuse for tardiness but not when you are a Bollywood diva prone to throwing fits on the slightest of issues. This smoking hot leggy lass is still recovering from a terrible heartbreak (after being cheated on and dumped by a married superstar with whom she was having a rip-roaring affair). Though talented she has been on a short fuse since the break up and her interest in her work has plummeted, they say its hit rock bottom.

The actress’s director(she is starring in a multi-starrer opposite two male leads) has been fuming over her tardiness and has been lamenting to everyone on how she arrives hours late on the sets. Despite pulling her up several times the actress turns a deaf ear and refuses to listen to the heroes, as she feels she is the biggest star on the set. Matters came to a head when her miffed make-up artist snitched on her claiming she smelled whisky on the actress's breath.

The director put his foot down and yelled publicly at the actress for her unprofessional behaviour. The shell shocked diva did not expect to be given a rap on her knuckles in front of the unit but the director has made it clear he will not take late comings kindly and she needs to leave her personal problems behind when she reports for work. To everyone's amusement the director(whose demand to get breath analyzers was shot down by producers) has now appointed a 'minder' on the actress whose job it is to, among other things, SMELL HER and make sure the actress is clean(as in not drunk or high!!!) when she lands at the sets.

You Know Who I AM ?

‘Parrrrrty in the day. Parrrrrty at night! Mazaaaa hai. Who were you with last night?’ Tauba I tell you ! There is no dearth of jokers at these filmy parties. This one was supposed to be different as we were all asked to dress in ‘traditional’ Indian attire(stunning sabyasachi and nehla khan and manish malhotra and sumeet arora sarees, while the men were immaculately dressed in Zardozis, Jodhpuri bandhgalas and silk sherwanis). And then there was this huge big mystery over the name of the chief guest of the shaam. And then the usual jokers which populate every party..!

‘Hey hottie! I have heard after John Abraham you are also going to insure your butt—

  

‘Well its my butt naa so what difference does it make if I insure my butt—’ My rebuttal was interrupted by the hyperventilating hostess who shrieked into the mike the name of her chief guest a reticent BIG star from South who she claimed to be a great fan of. So lots of ooohs and aahs and jealous swipes and disbelieving stares were directed at he hostess who was CLEARLY in seventh heaven at having swung such a coup de grace. Her party would now be the talked about affair of the season. But since there was time for the superstar to arrive the guests partook in the seekh kababs and continental salads to frozen fresh-fruit desserts and rum-soaked éclairs and sour pork ( which I avoided), glutinous rice, raw-fish curries and deep-fried pudding made you gag. But it was the free booze and cigar counter that was the biggest hit. Champagne and daiquiris, chiantis and clarets..ahhh. I  lavish food and juicy bitching and what fun naa….—the guests were having too much of a good time to bother about the fact that the chief show stopper was very late.

The merry evening was interrupted by a commotion at the entry. Apparently there was a big tamasha over a group of people who were trying to enter the venue but were being pushed out. But these were no ordinary gate crashers…I guessed when I saw the hostess her face a strange shade of beet root red galloping towards the door faster than I have seen anyone her size sprint. She had reason too. The gentleman who had been blocked entry was the reticent superstar from south who had attended the soiree in simple kurta pyjama minus his WIG and his bodyguards !! Well you cant blame anyone naa for not recognising him considering how even piddly middle rung bollywood stars wont be seen without a fleshy ring of mean looking boncers nowadays – well the sad fallout of the evening which had begun with such promise was that the gentleman superstar(yes there are those kinds too!!) wished his hostess a polite goodnight and walked off leaving the hostess in tears. Tcchch tchhh the bouncers need to watch films beyond bodyguard and dabang.